co-regulation
in which i want to be the observer, not the observed
in the fall before i knew anyone my roommates’ friend asked So what kinds of guys was i into and i said Well actually i think maybe none of them haha i think i might just be gay and she said Haha well aren’t we all a little! and i said Well no no not really haha but go on i guess-
later in the fall i read another of my roommates’ friends the margaret atwood quote the one about being a woman with a man inside watching a woman the one about being your own voyeur and as i explained it and how it feels to really feel that i heard some genuine anger ring through through through and then out of me in the form of And if you can just get Him to shut the fuck up for one fucking second- even then, are you free? are you ever really free?
i knew it then to some extent but not yet fully no not yet but the man inside my head watching me, the one whose eyes burned behind and then through mine-
Him. i wanted Him out.
20 may
I am in the white-walled room sitting across from Dr Something when I tell him So,
Jonathan’s gone.
Oh! his glasses scrunch up, he looks surprised. And you feel…?
Well, I pause. Mostly, I think, and I mean it, I realize as I say it- relieved.
Mostly relieved.
sometimes i wish i was normal i know that’s useless and if the wish were granted i doubt i’d really be, like, very pleased with it.
i remind myself again (redundant) i am an imperfect person capable of sin. i confess here, now. i guess that’s what this all is. and how lovely really to feel without fear- to know that no matter the sin i have within me the one i created through practice on purpose- the one who understands. the one to whom the explanation is ingrained, both separate and the same.
i’m feeling real life again and here’s the thing i’m not just feeling it i’m holding it really holding it here in my hands it is mine it is mine it is here and it is mine.Â
and i guess obviously although i didn’t find it so obvious for a while it’s easier to hold it when the mirror held before your face is angled correctly, positioned by someone intelligent, someone with practice and purpose.
Dana and i go out after work drink seltzer that tastes like leaves and watch the people getting to and from places. i take a sip of my drink and tell her that sometimes when a man likes me it works like a sedative, knocks me right out. i do sleep to dream, and for the most part without any fear, assuming i am pleasant enough to look at and be around and i trust the man to whatever degree. in those cases sometimes i’ll play the part for the perks, for the invisibility it affords.
but (i take another sip) i don’t want to do that anymore- the invisibility is too suffocating. and illusionary at its core. and besides most of the rest of the time a man having a crush on me genuinely makes me want to fight him and/or others hahahaha. so it’s really not worth it.
hahaha Dana laughs laughs laughs- and says yes, at this point i just don’t really have many men in my life, so it’s not something i worry about as much.
at this i nod and sip and nod again and say that sounds nice-
and i really mean it.
i allow the mirror to be moved
and when i read the script / get to understand my character i see it now held by someone intelligent-
whose angle allows a genuine view
and there i am, in bits and pieces
confessions i hadn’t even realized i was making, reflected, and
there i am, an imperfect person capable of sin.
continuing on continuing on continuing on.