In running it’s akin to a curse word.
A place no one in their right mind would want to be.
Connected to neither lead nor chase packs- it is just you, alone.
No other lithe, fluid bodies just out of reach- just close enough to coast off of. No anxious feet clipping the backs of yours,
no hot breath hitting the nape of your neck- just a little too close, eking you on.
It it just you. Alone in a hell of your own creation, here whether due to lack of fitness or illness or just generally feeling “off”, it doesn’t matter- it was you who made it. And from the moment you first find yourself there, in that hell, you know- you’re pretty much fucked.
June 2019
I’m in Portland. For the first time, not the last.
A lot of people don’t know this and I didn’t know this until recently but it’s not just fight or flight it’s also freeze.
And here’s the thing it sounds ridiculous like if you’re looking at the path and all you need to do to get on to it to take it is to step and it’s right ahead of you the path it’s right there like truly right there and you see it you do you do but to get there you need to step and you know how to step obviously you do you’ve been doing it your whole life you were doing it just a second ago right like you have so many examples of times you’ve stepped times you’ve gotten on to the path and you’ve taken it really you have but now-
27 May 2024
I didn’t post yesterday due to having been in bed all weekend fevered sweating and mostly asleep. I tell myself this is karmic though for what I’m not yet sure.
I dreamt a lot in the old way, where I am stuck. I am not myself, I have not been doing the things expected of me, I have not been keeping the promises I should-
And here I am, standing quaking right at the moment this will be revealed. Knowing all the while there is no forward; there is no back.
When I told my grandmother in the winter in her sunroom under the blankets I sat on the floor and listened to the birds cawing from the clock on the wall, the whooshing of my fingernails against the carpet, the cars whistling by outside, my voice telling her that it’s hard to tell people, especially people you love.